Boneheads

Political correctness has gone entirely too far in America. We (Americans) are going to have to finally face the facts, that ‘politically correct’ is another way to say ‘wrong,’ and that the crowd which supports such nonsense is a tiny minority. We need to stand up for what is actually correct. For example, after a recent column in which I wrote some unkind things about Brussels sprouts I was berated by several people who, as you might expect, would rather not be identified. These people claimed to voluntarily eat Brussels sprouts, and even went so far as to profess a certain taste for them, if you can imagine. My first reaction was that these people had knuckled under to the powerful “Disgusting Vegetable Lobby,” which our CongressWeasels have to avoid on their way to work every day in Washington, D.C. I couldn’t imagine admitting an affinity for anything in the sprout family unless there were big bucks involved. And then one of these sprouters sent me almost identical news items, from the Boston Globe and the Chicago Tribune, respectively, that made me think again. It seems that, in little more than a week during the recent holidays, thieves stole two tractor-trailers in the Chicago area. One was full of broccoli, and the other was full of asparagus. Either whoever stole those rigs really loves broccoli and asparagus, or there is a lucrative black market for vegetables with names that make people sound like angry Europeans when they try to pronounce them. Admittedly it seems ridiculous for someone to steal truckloads of vegetables, but at least those thieves made their getaways (getsaway’) in trucks. Patrick and Heather Burr, evidently trying to become the Bonnie and Clyde of the 21st century, had big plans to rob the Utah Community Credit Union in Provo, Utah recently. It didn’t work out. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it, they were ratted out by an ex- partner. It’s probably just as well, since the Burrs’ car was impounded shortly before the robbery attempt. Not that they were planning to drive away from the bank’they were planning to float away down the Provo River. And the inner tubes they planned to use to make their floataway were in the impounded car. Yes, inner tubes. Another really stupid theft, which was perpetrated in Lindenhurst, New York in January, was almost as much of a head-scratcher as the inner tube getaway. Kurt Husfeldt and a couple of his buddies stole 14 cell phones from a municipal facility, which they probably planned to hock or fence or whatever you do with stolen cell phones. Before they could unload the merchandise, however, police showed up and arrested them. As it turns out, the cell phones weren’t cell phones. They were GPS receivers. All the police had to do was follow the signals to Husfeldt’s house, where they grabbed him in the middle of ‘American Idolatry,’ or something. But that’s not as bad as the theft which, according to the Nov. 28, 2006 edition of the Detroit Free Press (motto: Free Detroit!), occurred somewhere near Meadville, Penn. during deer season last fall. A hunter named Robert Hanna had shot a deer from his tree stand, and was just about ready to get down and go get it, when three armed men showed up and deer-jacked him. They knocked him down, took his deer, and left him with nothing. Now that’s low. Poor old Robert probably went to a lot of trouble setting up his stand and waiting for a shot, and then he gets his deer taken away, probably by the same guys who used to take his lunch money from him in third grade. These guys couldn’t have been overly intelligent, though, since they didn’t hide and wait until he had field dressed it. But the most heinous crime of late happened near Antarctica recently, according to the Feb. 11 Philadelphia Inquirer. A couple of anti-whaling activists, from Australia and California, respectively, got lost in a fog on their way to attack a Japanese whaling ship. Several boats pitched in to rescue them, including the whaler. They were appreciative, but when the Japanese crew had them set to rights one of them said, ‘I guess we’re back on schedule, and we’ll be pursuing you again.’ Sure enough, the knotheads shortly caught up with the whaler and threw a bottle of acid onto the deck, injuring two of their Japanese benefactors. Which just goes to show you can’t be an animal rights activists and have good sense, too. It also brings us back to our original point, the one about political correctness. The activists were politically correct; the whalers were not. In other words, the activists were wrong, and the whalers were the good guys. But then, if everyone had common sense the Surgeon General would be out of a job’ ‘ Kendal Hemphill is an outdoor humor columnist who avoids politics. And correctness. Write to him at P.O. Box 1600, Mason, Tex. 76856 or jeep@verizon.net.

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